Parting Ways

My inspiration

Everyone, I believe, has equal amount of good and bad. Some people have more control to be good or bad.

As of lately, my best friend and I haven't been the same. We are not as close anymore, of course this didn't just happen, events lead to the separation. None the less, each day we grow farther and farther apart, becoming our identities we will grow into adulthood to be. I am an analytic and cautious person, and I am a converted Muslim. She now is a free-spirited person with no heed to tomorrow’s presences. Obviously these are conflicting characteristic, but I am in a slight denial that they are so conflicting that we can't still be best friends. With denial comes suffering, to which I am imposing on myself, willingly. Well, not exactly willingly, how exactly do you walk away from something you hold dearly to your heart? Knowing if you let go the wind will toss it away to a place I will never visit.

 Today I was offered to attend a party with my old best friend. The temptation was beyond over-whelming, considering I could take it all back, probably, in this night. I could change myself to her ever-morphing self. 

 Most people would look at me, and simply think I would decline being a Muslim. But that isn't exactly the situation; I converted to Islam after being friends with her for 4 years. Four years of relentless play and bonding, I had successfully eliminated anyone important in my life, so I could nurture my relationship with her. I never imagined it would come back to bite me in the ass.

I was always the person that was slightly detached, not her; I was the emotionless one, not her. Now the tables have turned and I have nowhere to go. It is weird, she tells me I don't know what its truly like to lose someone to death, but I feel like I am.

 What is worse knowing that person simply didn't fit into your life, or losing them to life?
I'm not sure I'm no philosopher, but I am going to have to start making some real life decisions, not just these teenage angst ones I am use to. 

Back to today, do I go the party and let myself go into the abyss of the present day?

Do I rekindle my broken relationship with my apathetic friend?

Do I push my morals down the drain to fix this ache inside my chest, this loneliness that fills my room till the windows explode?

No.

Sometimes when you love something you have to let it go. If it comes back then it was meant to be, if not then it wasn't meant to last.

I know that I am not alone, God stands by my side. Even when he is as silent as can be, and I feel like he is not even real. I know when I am at my lowest he will be the only one to give me a hand. I know my best friend won't be there, when she needs things I can't even understand. My sisters won't be there, nor my mother or father.

I do love them all, so dearly, but I can't make her a priority when I am barely an option for her.

My inspiration is myself, and the way God made me imperfect.
How I can go through this life with its trails. I will fail and I will sin, but I am not made to achieve perfection.
God simply wants me to try.

I like to pretend like I’m bitter that I wasted five years of my life being the best friend of someone, that won’t even look me in the eye. But I’m not bitter at all, because all I want to do is rewind and stay there for a while.  I am thankful I could share a “growing up” with someone that made me laugh till I cried. The end is bitter sweet, but you live and you learn.

The one thing that really honestly hurts is that it was so easy for her. By no means do I want anything to be hard on her, but the ease in which I just slipped out of her life , burns. The acceptance she has was in an almost bliss to let me open the door and leave. Maybe she is tired of having to keep people in her life, but I thought best friends were different.